the ability to hope, even they sound unrealistic. the ability to dream, even i just try to paint a rosy picture. the ability to believe everything good happened to me because I deserved it, even if i don’t.
i lost many people that were close to me, many things that i was passionate about.
i lost my ex-roommate because i took him always had my back for granted. he was taken away from me even though he was in his late 30s.
i lost my good friend because i thought he would be okay for all the helpful advices he’s given me. he took himself away from me because he couldn’t hear what he’s been telling me.
i lost my ability to love because i thought that after sticking around for two years, he would finally choose me when he decided he was ready, only to find out that i am lost in the crowd.
i know none of those may be my fault, but i cannot stop blaming myself sometime. i want people to know that i would always have their back even they took me for granted. i want people to know that I wouldn’t take myself away because i could hear the my own advices, i want people to know that i could love again despite the possibilities of getting hurt again.
i want to hope, I want to dream, i want to believe, i want to feel the happiness, and i want to feel the pain. because they are me…
i cannot believe it's been almost a year since i posted my last entry. life has been quite different from last june. i cannot say it is better but at least it's stable... for now...
i wonder how many people are still subscribing my xanga, i'd love to hear from you.
my circle of friend has become very small. i don't do much outside of work. i only hang w/ a few friends regularly. otherwise, that is it. i am trying to focus on myself. i have come to realize the more i open to others, the likely i am going to be hurt. i am tired of people walking all over me, thought i was an easy target, or simply ignored how much i have given up. i have enough. i am gonna focus on myself, my families, and to those who have been loyal to me. sadly i just realize this now but hopefully it isn't too late.
work wise it's been great. i have learned so much from my current job for only eight months. i cannot say that i didn't learn anything from previous job for four years, but i definitely feel my skills and knowledge are being recognized by my managers and company owner. i am learning everyday. though i work odd hours and days compared to normal 9-6 positions, the experience and trust i have gained and earned are all worth it.
How does one to tell a friend to stop calling one, to stop being so nice to one, to stop contacting one, to stop being friends w/ one, to stop remembering one exists.
A decision to pass a friend's call to voice mail is impossible, being nice to one melt one's heart, contacting one makes one has one less excuse to ignore, being friend w/ one is killing one, remembering one exists doesn't go anywhere.
One has stopped for too long, one is just one in billions around the globe.
Why do I feel
suffocated all the time? I try to
act like nothing in front of everyone, when I am by myself, I can’t stop throwing myself down.
I am tired
of my life, I am tired
of trying to please someone else, I am tired
of feeling lonely,
I am tired of not being socialized, I am tired
of acting as if everything is ok, I am tired
of acting as if nothing is wrong, I can’t
breath.
Sleep
becomes an outlet to escape what’s on my mind,
I become tired even after I wake up.
I am afraid of waking up, I am afraid
of opening my eyes, I am afraid
of staying up and trying to fall asleep. Darkness
suffocates me.
I am
suffocated. I need to
find a way out. I need to
find a way not having to wake up.
